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Post by bloodredtears on Dec 11, 2003 11:46:54 GMT -5
** Drowning is a tragedy, so that's why I put this one here!
Drowning
Water enters my nose,
fills my senses,
chokes me
A struggle to breathe
flailing wildly,
in vain
I am pulled down
deeper and deeper
Darkness
overtakes the light
as my eyes flutter
and close
my mind goes blank
a numbness invades me
as the world drifts away
and the struggling ends
I drift to peace
and float in the black
abyss known as
Death
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Post by leash on Dec 12, 2003 1:16:09 GMT -5
hmm.. i found this to be a little too short. i think if you had gone into more detail about falling into darkness and how desperate you were to escape it could have made your piece a little more effective.
nice diction.. "struggling".. "abyss".. "flutter"..
great work. i hope to read more.
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Post by Persephone on Dec 12, 2003 3:09:23 GMT -5
I remember the first time I swam and I almost drowned, it was really horrifying.
I like the realistic sense you give into this piece.
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Post by bloodredtears on Dec 12, 2003 12:41:14 GMT -5
thanks for the suggestions black phoenix, but since i've never actually felt like i was drowning i really have no experience to go off...so this is what i got...thanks for the reply both of you!
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Post by T.J. Barber on Jan 13, 2004 19:04:11 GMT -5
I was almost drownded while trying to help a friend play a prank. It was truly a tragic experience. I think this is the perfect pce for this poem. Thanks for sharing this piece with us. Great Job...
Tj
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Post by SilverEyes on Jan 16, 2004 23:36:51 GMT -5
It was very easy to visualize and "experience". Nice write.
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Post by serenepoetress on Jan 20, 2004 22:13:37 GMT -5
I imagine that death by drowning would be just as you have described...a very insightful yet chilling depiction of a frightening way to die...EXCELLENT!
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Post by bloodredtears on Jan 21, 2004 17:48:31 GMT -5
thanks everyone!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2004 19:02:23 GMT -5
Nice way to put drowning in words. Great job.
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Post by richie on Feb 3, 2004 8:32:26 GMT -5
Another good poem from you, I was not sure if it was about depression and the relief of [pills] or the other comments above, a real thinking poem.
take care richie.
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Leah
Novice
Posts: 4
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Post by Leah on Feb 4, 2004 8:14:43 GMT -5
Drowning is a horrifying thing. A life taken within seconds beyond. Our life span is unknown on this place. I was 11 years old, and my brother was 13 years old, when he was taken from us. Right before our very eyes. Excellent swimmer. But jerked away without a word spoken. Lakes are something that will never be a real treat for me. Your words speak real deep emotions of a life being taken. Fading of one is sad to see. Drifting so deep away that it stays with one. Really intense. Thank you for sharing...
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Post by bloodredtears on Feb 4, 2004 19:14:42 GMT -5
that's everyone for your kind words...i'm really sorry about your brother Leah, there was a nine year old boy in my school that drowned in a slu...we dedicated a yearbook to him....it was so sad...
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Mikhael
Novice
...and love is not a victory march/it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...
Posts: 30
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Post by Mikhael on Feb 6, 2004 23:43:12 GMT -5
i think i agree with blackie. a little more detail of the terror and thoughtlessness of fighting for oxygen would have... i don't know.... made it seem more urgent. i nearly drowned once, and i tell you it was not at all a poetic experience, mostly wet and panicked and mindless, noisy, distracted. not soft, not quiet, just not good. but you did good anyway. i liked this part.
"and float in the black
abyss known as
Death " it had good rhythm.
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Celestial
Novice
Celestial.Photographer.Poet.
Posts: 72
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Post by Celestial on Mar 1, 2004 11:29:21 GMT -5
Oh, most amazing. I was actually thinking about things like that last night while I soaked in the tub. Very odd to hear, i know lol but I was thinking of people drowning themselves and others and I couldn't figure out how someone could do that to themself. :: shrugs :: I shall never know but I do know that this poem is something great. I liked it.
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Post by X x K e l Z x X on Apr 1, 2004 20:22:59 GMT -5
This was almost horrifying to read because the drowning is described in such great detail, very good job on the wording and imagery.
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