Rage

[Horn]

Rage
I have this rage deep inside,
But I can't let go,
It won't come out.

It acts like a beast within,
But resting deep inside
For the perfect chance to strike.

Everything goes bottled up,
Not talking, letting up defenses,
Isolation, all to feed the beast.

I want to scream and shout,
But when I open my mouth,
Nothing can come out…

No one knows what I'm feeling,
All alone, no one to protect me,
I can't change it, it's not within me

I am calling for help,
No one is listening,
I will blow soon, I can't take this anymore.

No one to go to,
I can't get out,
Trapped, trapped…

[angel]

You opened very strongly. And I really like it, but the last stanza doesnt seem strong enough. I honestly dont think it should end with "trapped, trapped" ...it looks a little awkward because it doesnt really flow with the rest of the poem.

Otherwise, very nicely done, could use a little revising, but I really like the jist and the perspective on this. I feel your pain.

[Horn]

oh okay, like something that would stick with the reader. I have to change the part where it talked about defenses too. I thought that part was poor.

[angel]

Ya, I think you have a very strong beginning, but starting on your 3rd stanza you start to get weak. Re-wording may help. If you need help with that, just ask. If you like it how it is, dont change it.

[rinna(on leave...for eternity)]

horn,
the feeling of isolation and abandonment is strong throughout, very good write.
personally, i thought "trapped, trapped" was HIGHLY effective, it emphasized to me that this was only the beginning of something insane, and it also keeps me wanting more.
angel, we'll have to agree to disagree on this again!
x rinna x