pig
Novice
Posts: 25
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Post by pig on Feb 4, 2004 18:03:01 GMT -5
a painful past past well away
came back to haunt him yesterday
as the masses saw him masturbate
he sells his soul the old fashioned way.
taken outside to a place unknown
she ate the breadcrumbs that should lead her home
as the sour/stale wheat clings to her teeth
she will realise what she should've believed.
but they still breathe.
at least they're still breathing
both out,
they breathe
and then
breathe in.
he loved everyword that she would ever say
but hate the way in which it was said
and he plagued every book that was ever read
to try to replace her words from his head
she sits alone somewhere well beneath
the upper branches of the sycamore tree
she does not speak. like the birds she sings
in the hope one day she will forget to breathe in.
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Post by SilverEyes on Feb 4, 2004 18:29:06 GMT -5
The first line sounds a little akward. Other than that it's an interesting way of describing a broken relationship. nice write
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Post by bloodredtears on Feb 4, 2004 18:56:59 GMT -5
the first line does seem awkward...did you mean past passed away?? that would make a bit more sense...
other than that bit the rest of it was great...i especially like the part in the middle where they are still breathing...great job!
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Post by T.J. Barber on Feb 11, 2004 13:33:46 GMT -5
I'm not sure this is suitable for this forum. This is the place that it would go however, it is not very suitable for the many teenage members we have here. I will discuss it more with my fellow admin..
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Eclipse
Apprentice
It's not a matter of luck, it's just a matter of time.
Posts: 222
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Post by Eclipse on Feb 11, 2004 20:33:33 GMT -5
personally, the first line doesn't bother me. It makes the poem more unique. I really like your style. The concept of this poem is pretty cool. interesting write.
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pig
Novice
Posts: 25
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Post by pig on Feb 12, 2004 13:21:28 GMT -5
I'm not sure this is suitable for this forum. This is the place that it would go however, it is not very suitable for the many teenage members we have here. I will discuss it more with my fellow admin.. im not sure i understand your post. and, um, yes. it is "past passed".  my bad thank you for reading it all. |
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Post by T.J. Barber on Feb 12, 2004 13:31:25 GMT -5
I retract my previous statement. I think that this poem fits here. I know that John and I weren't very pleased with the stanza stating:the masses watch him masturbate" however, everyone knows that poetry realeses the inner feelings of the writer. They should also know in being a poet thereselves that no one man has the rite to restrict another mans creativity. As long as it's suitable for public veiw. That's just our obligation in keeping the integrity of the site. This poem is alright with me. It is certainly creative and original. Excuse me for the confusion.
TJ
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pig
Novice
Posts: 25
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Post by pig on Feb 13, 2004 15:38:33 GMT -5
oh no, theres no need for appologies. im not here to still the structure of the place, i was just unsure of what you were refering to. thanks for your comments though
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amberputis
Virtuoso
~Dreams are determined by our hearts, and our dreams design the future~
Posts: 330
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Post by amberputis on Feb 14, 2004 17:15:46 GMT -5
well i wasn't bothered or confused, i feel that this poem was very well written and i liked it, nice job
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imaginary goddess #5
Novice
shape me into something I never will be, and you'll find out this facade was an escape from reality.
Posts: 69
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Post by imaginary goddess #5 on Feb 17, 2004 17:54:16 GMT -5
I loved how the POV changed from the man to the woman and the last two stanzas - it gave us more of a glimpse of the pain and the heartbreak. Also, the middle stanza is very interesting, because it's simple yet effective in its purpose. Lovely job. Truly enjoyed it.
- Lianna
PS: "in the hope one day she will forget to breathe in." - loved it.
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my bad