The Revamping of, "Invincible"

[JC4life]

I changed this around a lot, it's kinda like a song now, or is supposed to be... so before you read it let me tell you how it should sound, or at least how it sounds to me. The first one was posted on the death board, but I think that this one fits better here

If the stanza has a rhyme scheme the voice of a little girl says it, if it has two lines it is the voice of a creepy, evil man. Now use your imagination!



Will I burn when I die?
Or will I learn how to fly?
If I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take


You think death can’t get you
But it can.


When I go, meet me there
Stand in a place I know is fair
Meet me with your smile bright
When you see me hold me tight.


You think death can’t get you
But it will.


And if it’s not too much to ask
I wish that my small hand would grasp
The knowledge of a love so great
That it’s more than I can stand to wait


You think death can’t get you
But it already has

[bloodredtears]

hnmm...i think i liked the old version better, but this one is great in the total different visions you get of each of the different stanzas...between the little girl wanting to be with someone she lost and the old man waiting to take her, or that someone, down to the devil with him, maybe its the other someone because that means the little girl may never see them again...hmm...so many different things it can mean...cool!

[angel]

hmmm this is great. I think this writing style has potential for something amazing. I'm not saying this is bad...I am just saying that I think you are on to someting completely breath taking, and awesome

[rinna(on leave...for eternity)]

i'm sorry but i don't remember the original. on the face of it, i agree with invisible, this seems to be on its way to something great - i'd love to hear an audio of this.
x r x