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Post by bloodredtears on Dec 11, 2003 11:54:15 GMT -5
The Lost Childhood
Restless nights before the dawn
Dancing there with Satan's spawn
Aching hunger for the feast
playing games with the evil beast
Childhood lost before it's found
another body hits the ground
cynicism continues its rise
the world is filled with evil eyes
Fighting for the truth it seems
but the truth is only a pipe dream
listen as you hear the screams
life is torn up at the seams
Evil is, the world, overtaking
Evil is, The people, breaking
vampires prepared for the staking
while another soul they're taking
Fear is the only real thing
that into this world people bring
another childhood lost before its found
as the last body hits the ground
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Post by leash on Dec 12, 2003 0:12:53 GMT -5
cool. i especially liked.. "childhood lost before it's found
another body hits the ground"there were a few spots (ex. third line of the second stanza) where the rhythm got broken up due to syllables. im not sure if you care enough to play around with that.. but i thought i would let you know just incase you hadnt noticed. glad to see you here, bloodred.  |
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Post by bloodredtears on Dec 12, 2003 0:15:30 GMT -5
my rhythm has always been touch and go...i've never been able to stick with the same rhythm throughout an entire piece...i think it's a flaw i barely even notice now...thanks for the criticism, it is much appreciated...i like this piece exactly as is, though, so i prolly won't change it!
p.s. thanks for the welcome..it's nice to meet you
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Post by leash on Dec 12, 2003 1:03:53 GMT -5
what? you dont remember me from coffee house? well.. i guess im not using the same avatar anymore.. im sure thats what threw you off.. or i just think that i am noticed mroe than i truly am.  |
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Post by bloodredtears on Dec 12, 2003 12:45:54 GMT -5
i haven't been at coffee house in a while...and i never really got to know people there...i'm sure i've read some of your stuff...but i got busy and then i started my own site...sorry for not paying closer attention...  |
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Skye
Novice
MeRrY cHrIsTmAs!!!
Posts: 18
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Post by Skye on Dec 29, 2003 21:38:45 GMT -5
I like this alot, great write!~Skye
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Alexxxxx
Novice
"There is no fear in the house of flies" Brael.
Posts: 13
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Post by Alexxxxx on Jan 7, 2004 21:19:17 GMT -5
would you like me to shower with you with compliments or give you a critique?
dont misunderstand... im not trying to be insulting or prudish here... the poem was good... i could tell you that and let it go if thats what you want. but if you really want to imporove it... let me know and ill give you a real crit.... if its any help that is.
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Post by bloodredtears on Jan 7, 2004 22:24:27 GMT -5
compliments are always nice...but personally i believe constructive criticism is best...at least for me...i prefer to always improve upon my art...of course i don't always listen, so it's really up to you...critique away...  |
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Alexxxxx
Novice
"There is no fear in the house of flies" Brael.
Posts: 13
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Post by Alexxxxx on Jan 9, 2004 19:04:56 GMT -5
GOD im so pissed at myself... i just spent the last half an hour critiquing your piece... and being the natural born idiot that i am i pressed reset instead of post.... damn....
im such an idiot... and now im so pissed i dont think i can be of much help... ill critique it later... so sorry
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Post by bloodredtears on Jan 10, 2004 11:43:53 GMT -5
it's alright! i'm sorry that you wasted all that time! i'd still really love to hear your critiques!
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Post by SilverEyes on Jan 20, 2004 23:56:56 GMT -5
A very thought-provoking way to put your message across. I have to agree with you.
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