Happy Music For The Morbid

[Beskhu3epnm]

The sentiment on which we feed,
a noxious, sully dolour
A beautiful land, replenish the seed
A beautiful, bright colour

On our headstone we carve out the words
Legible and grey on our headstones
Requiems raise a twisted smile
Dull and dark, depressing drones

Hammer the final nail in the coffin
Write out the epilogue
A gorgeous, sunny text
A dark, black monologue.

Our brittle bones conflagrated
Decay in the hot sun
The quiet harmony now a pandamoneum
The damage is done.

An encloaking, dark epoch
Mort is the music of the meek
Mammon is a great God,
Fortune is what we seek.

The music to our ears, so wonderful
As if on a silver plate it's fed
The harmonies and melodies so luxuriant
An atonal battle, we died and bled

The rhythm carries on, harsh and cold
Bitter and truthful, a social vex
A victorious, peaceful battle
At our graves the crow pecks...

Sounds of gunshot and screams of death
Something sweet and beatiful
Sounds of music and solitude
Something sweet and natural...

[leash]

"on our headstone we carve out the words
legible and grey on our headstones"

i found it unneeded to state that the writing was upon the headstones for a second time. other than that, there were a few minor glitches(punctuation and grammar) but overall it was pretty damn good.

i like the feel of this poem. cool imagery. well done, beskhu.

[Beskhu3epnm]

Thanks! I didn't actually notice the headstones thing. I'll alter that line and see if I can improve it.

Cheers for the criticisms as well. Always helps if people point out that I've made mistakes!
Thanks for the help!

[leash]

no problem

[bloodredtears]

i really did like this...the easiest way to get rid of the double headstones is to just take it out of the first line....
anyway..i especially loved the stanza about the music

The music to our ears, so wonderful
As if on a silver plate it's fed
The harmonies and melodies so luxuriant
An atonal battle, we died and bled

i love how you use it to work your way into a battle...great job!

[SilverEyes]

While it was a little redundant in the second stanza, overall it was a very good piece. I love the fifth stanza and it almost reminds me of Terry Pratchett

[T.J. Barber]

I think it was a wonderful piece. I'm not going to criticize it because you may not have wanted any criticism. My opinion is that it was a very good poem. Great Job,

The Original

[Beskhu3epnm]

I appreciate any criticism you can send towards me, as long as it's not "that poem was poo!!!11" type stuff. Any comments help make it better. Since I posted this I've restructured it and removed that second 'headstones' thing and it's a lot better now. Thanks for the help everyone!

[Deleted]

Hmm... The last stanza just had this flow to it that ended the piece beautifully. There are some parts, however, that kind of lacked that flow. I loved how the rhyming was done in general... Anywho... Great piece.

[Sathien]

there is a rhythm. yes.. though there are some parts, stanzas in the middle, which sort of broke the rhythm but it's okay, the last two stanzas sort of picked up where it has left and ended the piece gracefully.

i liked the feel of this. v.dark and continuous.

generally, i'd say kudos for a job done well!

-sath

[alostandbrokensoul]

It was a wonderful poem and i loved it i also loved the last and third stanzas they were my favorites.