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Post by leash on Feb 3, 2004 17:01:58 GMT -5
radiant goddess
wings of thin gold
curling sunlight locks
falling.
how i wish to touch you
how i wish to feel you
how i wish.. to be inside -a part- of you.
piercing eyes invade me.
pulse rising,
yet pleasantly i sigh
-aroused-
a dream escapes me,
i wish to hold you against my soul..
supple flesh between my nakedness.
how i wish.. to feel you.
_______
this piece feels a little cliche and unfinished. i was hoping to revise it, but i just cant decide what i want changed. any suggestions? any title ideas?
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Post by SilverEyes on Feb 3, 2004 19:30:50 GMT -5
The second to last line seems a little awkward.
Maybe:
Supple flesh against my skin
Also, the first two lines of the second stanza seem redundant. Other than that, nice write.
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Post by serenepoetress on Feb 3, 2004 21:03:35 GMT -5
I like this poem just as it is but if I were to suggest any changes they would be slight.
the first stanza:
radiant goddess
wings of thin gold
curling sunlight locks
falling.
maybe change to:
radiant goddess
wings of thin gold
cascading locks
of sunlight fall.
the second stanza:
how i wish to touch you
how i wish to feel you
how i wish.. to be inside -a part- of you.
maybe change to:
longing to touch you
yearning to feel you
wishing to be inside--a part of you.
The final line:
supple flesh between my nakedness.
maybe change to:
supple flesh to share my nakedness.
or
supple flesh to shield my nakedness.
As far as a title goes, for some reason this piece reminds me of ancient mythology. In particular it reminds me of Aphrodite. Maybe "Gilded Goddess" is an acceptable title? As I said before I find it very well constructed with no changes necesary, but since suggestions for change was requested I am hopeful I obliged accordingly.
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Post by John Barnett on Feb 4, 2004 12:14:22 GMT -5
I enjoyed this piece, very nice.
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Post by leash on Feb 4, 2004 14:56:26 GMT -5
thanks for all the constructive crit, guys. much appreciated.
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amberputis
Virtuoso
~Dreams are determined by our hearts, and our dreams design the future~
Posts: 330
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Post by amberputis on Feb 14, 2004 20:54:56 GMT -5
i overall enjoyed this as well, i just think maybe adding on a little more to keep the suspense up would help. Just a suggestion  |
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imaginary goddess #5
Novice
shape me into something I never will be, and you'll find out this facade was an escape from reality.
Posts: 69
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Post by imaginary goddess #5 on Feb 18, 2004 23:15:09 GMT -5
I think the lack of words in this piece left much to imagination. The only thing I suggest you change is the "chorus" or the "how i wish..." part. Increased vocabulary might describe the scene a bit more... specific.
I wouldnt leave the title as "to feel you" because it would be too repitive. This also reminds me of some type of mythology (aphrodite is a good suggestion.) However, if you are comparing the woman in this piece to a goddess, perhaps a more normal title (instead of myths) would be appropriate.
Wonderful write, nevertheless.
Hope you find the words-
Lianna
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Seth
Virtuoso
Root Beer Float
Play something country!
Posts: 411
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Post by Seth on Feb 21, 2004 21:20:48 GMT -5
Loved the piece very much.
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Post by JosephScottMorris on Feb 23, 2004 7:57:41 GMT -5
I like this write except, I would use ( I ) and not ( i )? ;DJoe
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Post by richie on Feb 26, 2004 12:13:35 GMT -5
hi black phoenix.
how about as a Parenthetical close
[How I wish]
[How I wish]
Richie.
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