Post by Wolf on Feb 20, 2004 22:23:57 GMT -5
Words... words said intentionally to hurt me, get back at me for wrongs real and imagined; those words FED my own lack of self-esteem caused by the abuse endured during my childhood, my life - and drove me to the edge of death: I have to admit that pit looked incredibly inviting.
Heh... the abuse of childhood...
Yes, physical and sexual abuse; and one hell of a lot of it, applied in some of the most inventive and horrific ways imaginable.
It was the words that did the most damage; the physical stuff could and did heal (often slowly), but at least those healed (yes, admittedly leaving mental and emotional scars).
The words so similar to the ex's own.
The words spoken to me by the adults in my life; my genetic mother, stepfather, maternal grandfather and his girlfriend, and uncle.
You are nothing, you are lower than a worm
You aren't worthy to lick my a** clean
You are a sl*t, a wh*re, good for nothing except f**king
You are a laughable, pathetic excuse for a kid
You deserve to be abused and hurt because you are a nasty little boy
You are sick, twisted, and evil, and that's why you have to endure this to cleanse your soul
You are a lying, sick baby
No one respects you or thinks you are worth anything
You are less than s*it, and eating s*it would be an honor for you
Go get yourself f**ked by a dog, that's all you are good for
You are a whimpering whining crybaby
You are psychotic, irrational, and deserve to be locked away
You were born a bastard, and will die a bastard
You are a cowardly, pathetic, bean-brained bootlicking little prick
You like causing trouble, so you have to take the consequences
You're nothing but a mealy-mouthed mother-f**king crybaby
Even dog s*it is more valuable than you
Sigh... and that's just a small sample of the words said, over and over again.
Words such as these are - for many survivors - damaging; echoing what the survivor has been told repeatedly by the abusers, reinforcing the lies and conditioning inflicted (intentionally or not) by the same abusers.
Hearing them from my abusers destroyed what self esteem I had; hearing variations of them years later from my ex undid and destroyed what little self-esteem I'd built up, and drove me to death's door.
One can intellectualize and use the "words cannot hurt you" aphorism - and, intellectually, that is true: They're just sound waves, and one can intellectually chose to believe - or not believe - the message delivered.
Thing is - the soul, psyche, whatever one cares to call it - is NOT by nature intellectual, and it cannot be convinced by intellectual and logical discourse or reason.
It's a long hard path to undo that kind of damage, and it doesn't take much to knock someone down who is just beginning to get a grip on what recovery means.
For that matter, it doesn't take much to knock the wind out of a survivor who has come a long way either... there are some things that - to this day - will take me right to my knees, gasping for breath.
All I know is that the denigration, put-downs, and name-calling that has being going on from all sides takes me right back to the abusive environments I was in.
Oh, I know I am not in those environments now; but it still hurts; like a severe burn so to speak, and I do know what that is like; I have scars from third-degree burns.
The burn heals - but is incredibly sensitive to heat for years after the original injury.
I know this for a fact; I was burned in 1954; and in 1965, in my high-school bio class, we were learning about the nervous system - and how the body (somewhat) repairs those kinds of injuries.
I was curious, and told my teacher that my burn scars did indeed seem more sensitive to heat than the rest of my skin - and that I'd like to test that.
He set up several beakers over bunsen burners; put in thermometers, and waited till they reached the temps he wanted. he didn't let me see the readings; just himself and the other students saw what the actual temps were before the experiment.
By the way - he did state that he would not take any beaker past the temp where first-degree burns could occur.
He had me put my left hand, the unburned one, in the middle beaker (there were 9 of them) - it felt lukewarm; then he had me put my right hand in a beaker two more to the right.
IT BURNED, HURT
He then had me put my left hand in the same beaker - it felt warm, but was not painful at all.
He then asked me if I'd be willing to place my unburned hand in the last two (warmer/hotter) beakers. I did; and the very last one was hot, but tolerably so.
The beaker where my burns hurt was at 100 degrees fahrenheit; the last beaker was at 120 degrees.
Abuse injuries - physical, mental, emotional... are like burn scars.
...going back to the main concept again here...
The idea of having a right to be angry and to express that anger has been discussed more times than I can count on this newsgroup and others.
I agree that we survivors deserve that right; after all, it was taken away from us (most of us, anyway) by our abusers - I know if I showed any anger at all, my abusers not only beat and sexually abused me, but also did the same to my sister and brother as an object lesson.
I learned real fast not to show anger in their presence.
I learned too that using newsgroups as an outlet did several things to me: it frustrated me, because someone would be there to respond in kind - and escalate - and the firestorm would be underway, and I (and the others) would never get in "the last word." which is very frustrating, time-consuming, and energy draining.
Yes, I did my own fair share of name calling; I had very good teachers.
This prevented me from working any of my own issues and triggers; there simply was not enough time to do that; there was not enough time to share the things I do have that can contribute to healing and recovery; there wasn't enough time to share my own perspectives on issues - based on my own experiences - so that I could receive feedback from other survivors based on their experiences and thus gain new perspectives that might be helpful to my own recovery.
All because I was too busy responding to and escalating "the wrongs done me", by flaming and responding to flames.
Another topic that has been discussed is reading posts, and responsibility for what one says - and what kind of impact what one says can have... the current thread underway about reading/not reading has happened before, over and over again, with the same arguments, same statements being made - just different folks (in most cases).
I've always used the "next" key - or it's equivalent; never have had a kill file, and probably never will; and, I read nearly every post written.
Not everyone is where I am in that regard; nor am I where others are.
Thing is; there have been times I've skipped flames-in-progress; expanding the thread only enough to check and see if some of my friends have posted.
I read what my friends had written because they've often good insights to read that nearly always have helped me.
The flipside of that is sometimes they quote participants of the flames - and there have been times some of the quoted statements left me feeling like I was right back in my mother and stepfather's house, being beaten down verbally and physically.
The real kicker for me is there have been times someone has posted under a completely different topic that has NO apparent tie-in to a flamewar-in-progress, or flames at all - and there will be the same gut-punching quotes from those involved in one or another of the flamewars.
It DOES hurt, Anonymous, even when the quotes, name-calling, and denigration are not aimed at me specifically.
Others have also noted this; and you yourself have begun to ask "just how far does one's responsibility in watching what one writes go?"
Maybe what I've shared here from my own experiences will help you answer that question, Anonymous.
For what it's worth, I hope what I have shared here helps all who've been involved in the various flamewars understand that yes; words DO hurt.
GhostWolf
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Words that soak into your soul are whispered, not yelled
