Soldier.

[Beskhu3epnm]

In the warm summer sun, he soldier lay dead,
killed in an instance, gunshot to his head.
Died in the bloodshed,
laying with his dead staring eyes; his hair matted red.
By conscription, into battle he was led,
Propaganda, lies, false encouragement he was fed,
His parents and home he fled
with nothing but the cold concrete floor for a bed
The times he cried, the tears he shed.
Words of encouragement he said
on the battle field to himself, filled with dread.
On the trench floors filled with rot he'd tread,
Nothing for food and drink but water and bread
now joined the dead on the ground, like rocks on a seabed.
Few survived-the ones who fled
with images printed on their mind forever, words of it unsaid.
Why pay with fatal shots to the forehead,
Couldn't it all have been done with words instead?

Any comments welcome!

[SilverEyes]

Beskhu3epnm said:

now joined the dead on the ground, like rocks on a seabed.
...
Couldn't it all have been done with words instead?

This piece has a wonderful flow and the last line makes it seem war rather senseless. And i think you mean the instead of he, don't you? Anyway, wonderful write.

[bloodredtears]

amazing...it's really hard to rhyme all the lines...you do it very well...and it quite raises the question of whether or not war is necessary when we were given the means to communicate...quite sad really....great job!

[serenepoetress]

Wise words indeed...if diplomacy doesnt work perhaps the leaders of the countries in dispute should go at it in a boxing ring and whichever countries leader is still standing at the end wins...it would be preferable to what is going on...this is a very very well crafted poem...I remember Viet Nam and too many of the boys from my hometown never made it home...I dont want that to happen again but sadly it already is...

[amberputis]

i found it hard to rhyme each line, but i think that's just me..i really enjoyed reading this, i liked the main idea.

[HELICAL]

Akward rhythm. Very simple diction.. Needs more complexity. Good message.

[Chaotic_Thetis]

I would have preferred it if the underlying message wasn't the ending line. I feel it needs to be open to interpretation because whilst people say "Why fight when we can talk," we also say "All talk and No Action" There's too many complexities within the subject that should be left open, but the last line doesn't allow that. The last line seems to basically seal in the statement of "Stop Fighting and Start Talking"

[T.J. Barber]

Well, that was definately interesting. I enjoyed the darkness of it. It's feel was akward and dark. I liked it..Good job!

[Eclipse]

i liked how it all rhymed. and the message is really good. nice write =)

[Beskhu3epnm]

Thanks for the comments everyone!

HELICAL, it is awkward and simple but I decided I'd ditch complexity and flow for the rhyme scheme. I just wanted to experiment with it a bit. Rhyming scheme, rhythm, flow and complexity would be a bit hard to achieve.

Chaotic_Thetis, I thought I'd give it a reason and answer. I thought it would either be 'Stop fighting and start talking' or just a description of a soldier. I thought I'd give it an ending with a message that makes the reader think after they've read it. While I was writing this I had Wilfrid Owen in mind, and many of his poems end with the message, making the reader think.

Thanks for the comments everyone! I'll see if I can improve it. I'm pretty pleased with it though.

[Celestial]

Very touching. I enjoyed reading it and it stirred up feelings deep in my heart. My future brother in law is off in Baghdad right now and I am hoping for not only my sister's sake but for his daughter's sake that he comes home safely. I know there isn't much fighting he's doing but I still think and hope he's okay and that he'll come home to my sister and to his daughter. I enjoyed it. Very well written.

[richie]

I think this is really good, and if you revise a little will have a great poem , good rhyme just needs a little reworking well done.
regards Richie.