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Post by hp on May 14, 2004 18:04:52 GMT -5
Rocking back and forth not knowing why With no one to sing them a lullaby They cry out into the silence in vain Where are the mothers to hear their pain? Those that hath not run and hid away Their bodies lay motionless and grey Victims of conflict those mothers who bore the nations children, now lost for evermore Amid the debris of mankind they now lie The lost children in silence they cry With no mothers to hear their pain Their cries silenced by a nations shame
© Hp 14-11-2000
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Post by bloodredtears on May 14, 2004 23:29:01 GMT -5
i liked this piece alot...there was one thing that immediately threw me....this piece seems to be about modern times and all the crap going on in parts of the world now...but you used the word "HATH" in the fifth line...which is a very old sounding word...it seemed incongruent with the piece... other than that u capture the worst sides of society today...i loved it..
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Post by hp on May 15, 2004 0:23:04 GMT -5
Bloodredtears I knew there was something not quite right but just couldn’t put my finger on it. Just goes to show that another pair of eyes can be all that it needs to resolve that frustrating little problem. Thanks
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Post by Persephone on May 29, 2004 7:40:19 GMT -5
now lost for evermore >now lost forevermore
nations shame >nation's shame
If only this is read in war torn countries and by the proponents of those atrocities then there would be a difference.
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Post by angel on Jun 22, 2004 17:34:34 GMT -5
i think this is a great piece, but the rhyming gets in the way making it sound forced. If you take out the rhyming and revise a little bit, I think this would be awesome
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Post by haggardlilelf on Jun 30, 2004 19:21:17 GMT -5
I think this could be one of the most touching poems Ive ever read. I think putting HATH makes it even better because like said above, it makes me think of new age things, but then HATH is from medieval language, so it seems like your saying that we should be ashamed of things going on today because we havent really progressed since days of olde. And I absolutely LOVE the ending line. It sounds like a line from a punk song.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jul 20, 2004 17:51:30 GMT -5
I agree with bloodredtears on the "hath" deally. It just doesn't fit.
A bit of punctuation might make it easier for your readers to catch your rhythm.
And yes, I found the last line to be very enjoyable as well. Keep it up!
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Post by culupa on Apr 14, 2005 5:47:21 GMT -5
I agree with them on the "hath" deally. It just doesn't fit.
A bit of punctuation might make it easier for your readers to catch your rhythm.
And yes, I found the last line to be very enjoyable as well. Keep it up
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Post by T.J. Barber on Jul 20, 2005 2:35:19 GMT -5
I agree with you all. I loved the flow and the feel of the piece. I too believe that the " HATH " made the entire poem itself much better. Also, Brian, if I ever see you do that again " copy someone elses responce and post it for your own " i'll have no choice but to take corrective measures. We don't smile on that around here... Sorry if I killed the mood...
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