Horn
Novice
Give me wings; I want to fly with someone by my side, wherever the wind takes us
Posts: 66
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Post by Horn on Jun 28, 2004 18:17:39 GMT -5
Penetrated Breakdown
Shredding fresh grass,
Tearing the strands layer by layer
Until none remains
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jul 19, 2004 2:06:35 GMT -5
With a piece of writing this short, you need to make every word count.. This just isn't powerful enough. You didn't capture anything special. There are definately some good ideas in this, you just need to sort through the filler and figure out whats really important. Maybe all that you need is just a different example of your emotions.. Shredding grass is quite boring.. You either need to make that interesting to your readers, or dont bother with it.
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Horn
Novice
Give me wings; I want to fly with someone by my side, wherever the wind takes us
Posts: 66
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Post by Horn on Jul 21, 2004 11:55:05 GMT -5
Yeah, I guess you are right. I was trying to make a haiku.. And the shredding of grass was supposed to be symbolic... But yeah I guess it wasn't powerful enough.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jul 21, 2004 16:16:34 GMT -5
I see. Sorry if i came across as being too negative or harsh.. I didn't intend to.
You may want to try using the 5-7-5 syllable(sp?) format for next time that you try a haiku. 
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Horn
Novice
Give me wings; I want to fly with someone by my side, wherever the wind takes us
Posts: 66
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Post by Horn on Jul 21, 2004 18:06:04 GMT -5
nah, I agree with you. Anyways its better to let the truth be heard or else I could never improve. I know you didn't mean to be. I always welcome improvement  |
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jul 21, 2004 18:24:52 GMT -5
Awesome!
I run into too many people who get mad at me for saying stuff like that. What's the point in posting your work if you don't want honest feedback? Brainless praise is a waste of time if you ask me..
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