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alone
Apr 28, 2004 18:15:42 GMT -5
Post by rinna(on leave...for eternity) on Apr 28, 2004 18:15:42 GMT -5
Don’t leave me When you know I will turn myself Inside out
Loneliness I am a sheep In the jungle Is it something I said?
If I bought you a bike Or made you tea Would you stay? Sleep with me
I like to dance I like to sing I like to do most anything But I cannot move
We aren’t who We think we are Maybe you’re me Maybe I’m you
I don’t think I like To think Call me sometime We’ll do lunch
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alone
Apr 28, 2004 21:29:52 GMT -5
Post by angel on Apr 28, 2004 21:29:52 GMT -5
I really like this. It seemed like it was singing in my ear, tra la la la la, in a misty cool voice...and then all of a sudden the music ZIPPED and then "call me sometime, We'll do lunch" ....I dunno, but that ending just didn't dazzle me. It is a good jist, a good perspective...but the ending....its really hard to make a good ending...but maybe that really isnt the ending? Maybe it needs a little more to wrap it all together? Sorry if I offended you in any way....and you don't have to change it by all means....if you like it, keep it how it is.
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alone
Apr 28, 2004 21:36:06 GMT -5
Post by rinna(on leave...for eternity) on Apr 28, 2004 21:36:06 GMT -5
angel, no you didn't offend me at all! thanks for the critique! in regards to the last two lines: you got the wishy washiness of the rest of the poem, the last two lines were intended to be a "ZIP" as you call it... it was kind of like rehashing my thoughts and emotions and not being there mentally to whomever i was with, kinda like a "occupied" sign on a toilet... i like it, but i can see how others can see the end as abrupt...maybe i should put a few lines in there...not sure. i'm not a fan of editing my work, but i see your point of view absolutely. again, thanks! x rinna x
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alone
Apr 28, 2004 21:47:44 GMT -5
Post by angel on Apr 28, 2004 21:47:44 GMT -5
I know what you mean...poems are usually expressions of feelings, and its hard to change it because thats what you were feeling at the moment, thats what you jotted down. I feel the same way, I am stubborn to change most of my writings, but if something really stands out, I will change it.
This is your own unique writing, if it looks right to you, then keep it how it is. If you are willing to change it...something as simple as adding a word or two can subtle it. Like add "How about" call me sometime...
Again...don't take it personal, and you do not have to change it.
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alone
Apr 29, 2004 2:50:15 GMT -5
Post by rinna(on leave...for eternity) on Apr 29, 2004 2:50:15 GMT -5
angel, tried it out, kinda threw out my rhythm (oh man that word looked weird) a tad. i'll keep it for now...thanks anyways for the kind words! x rinna x
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Hunter
Virtuoso
Fallen Angel
Posts: 287
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alone
Apr 30, 2004 22:55:10 GMT -5
Post by Hunter on Apr 30, 2004 22:55:10 GMT -5
I like
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amberputis
Virtuoso
~Dreams are determined by our hearts, and our dreams design the future~
Posts: 330
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alone
May 1, 2004 15:08:12 GMT -5
Post by amberputis on May 1, 2004 15:08:12 GMT -5
hey i liked that great job
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alone
May 2, 2004 4:47:33 GMT -5
Post by rinna(on leave...for eternity) on May 2, 2004 4:47:33 GMT -5
th, amber, thank you for reading. i've had a mixed review of this one on other sites, and it's really simply a rehash of my thoughts. This is my brain working about 5 seconds before a brain fart.... x rinna x
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