|
|
she
Apr 28, 2004 22:42:22 GMT -5
Post by rinna(on leave...for eternity) on Apr 28, 2004 22:42:22 GMT -5
From afar she looked so small
Now standing before her she looks miniscule
The way I feel tonight
With a heavy sigh she looked up
An arduous task in itself
Grief weighing her down
Swimming in cement
Trying to breathe in a smoky room
Grasping for a fragment of understanding
So this is what it's like to feel
Through those empty sunken eyes
She was all alone
|
|
|
|
she
May 1, 2004 18:19:47 GMT -5
Post by angel on May 1, 2004 18:19:47 GMT -5
The description was very in depth. The detail of how much pain this person is described in a different way than what I am used to hearing. Very nice perspective.
One thing that I found that could improve is if the last line is changed to "To be alone" ...then it would make a lot more sense and flow perfectly. You dont have to change it, just my personal opinion.
|
|
|
|
she
May 2, 2004 1:19:57 GMT -5
Post by rinna(on leave...for eternity) on May 2, 2004 1:19:57 GMT -5
Through those empty sunken eyes
She was all alone
Through those empty sunken eyes
To be alone
angel...
i totally appreciate your critiques, thanks for reading! i'm not sure, this one's been with me forever, i don't have the heart to change it. to me, it flows perfectly. it's fantastic you voice your opinions, i welcome every single one! we've discussed our stubborn-ness, and i think i may leave it. ;D
x rinna x
|
|
|
|
she
May 5, 2004 13:49:40 GMT -5
Post by T.J. Barber on May 5, 2004 13:49:40 GMT -5
I agree with Angel. The description was very detailed and graphic. Very well written and eximplified. I enjoyed every minute of it. Great job, TJ
|
|
|
|
she
May 5, 2004 23:38:36 GMT -5
Post by rinna(on leave...for eternity) on May 5, 2004 23:38:36 GMT -5
tj,
i'm glad you enjoyed. this was just what i saw in the mirror for a few years.
x rinna x
|
|
